THIS IS MY FIRST TIME BLOGGING. I LOVE RELATIONSHIP TALK AND I LOVE SPORTS, SO WHAT BETTER WAY TO PREVIEW THE NBA SEASON THEN BY COMPARING EACH TEAM TO DIFFERENT WOMEN...HERE GOES NOTHING...
Toronto Raptors- Will be referred to as Precious for the season. I don’t see any conceivable way they will win over 25 games this year. Their defense will be even worse without Bosh, who wasn’t good at defense to begin with. There starting small forward name is Sonny Weems. That’s all you really need to know about the 2010-2011 Raptors.
Cleveland cavaliers- The cavaliers will be the girl in high school who was in your grade who always acted older than everybody.
She hung out with the older cheerleaders and the upperclassmen boyfriend that everybody wanted (LeBron).
When you became a senior and all the upperclassmen were gone, including the upperclassmen boyfriend, this girl became lost.
She instantly tried to latch on to people in the class she didn’t kick it with in 3 years, looked lame doing it, and ends up sleeping with guys in the class who even the fat girls wouldn’t go for.
This girl is the butt of all the jokes senior year because she has been exposed as a fraud.
These are the Cavs.
Without Lebron, there will be no more handshakes, dancing like coons, showing up the opposition and definitely no more primetime games.
Mo Williams sounds like a desperate ex girlfriend on twitter almost to the point of suicidal.
I love every minute of it.
Detroit Pistons- The pistons will be looked at as Gabrielle Union. Both had a nice 5 year run, but now they have taken a step back and offer you nothing. Gabrielle can’t act and the Pistons couldn’t defend anyone at gun point.
Sacramento Kings-Regan Gomez.
As fine as Regan looks, you barely remember her from the Parenthood.
As talented as the Kings may be, sadly, you wont give a damn either.
New Jersey Nets-Venus Williams.
They will always be the ugly sister to the Knicks.
I don’t care how much makeup Venus puts on, she would never get a rise outta my pants.
Its unfortunate, but its true.
Minnesota Timberwolves-Tonya Harding.
Trailer trash of the league.
When your GM tries to compare Darko to Chris Webber, your franchise is in trouble.
Golden State Warriors-Kat Stacks.
Both are young, fast, hot and gong nowhere until fundamental changes are made.
Indiana Pacers-
Taylor Swift.
If Larry Bird could throw out a decent all white basketball team he would.
Negroes on his roster have not been to kind to him in the past decade.
The Pacers are probably at the bottom of irrelevant rankings in the league, and it would probably take a Kanye-esque act to put them on the map, much like Taylor Swift.
Philadelphia 76ers- Xscape.
Both are flabby, sick, and going nowhere.
The slower version of the warriors.
Charlotte Bobcats-Remy Martin.
Wild, hood, low IQ, and jail time are apt descriptions for Remy Ma and the Bobcats.
Stephen Jackson once dranks a keg of crown, no chaser before.
Los Angeles Clippers- Lindsy Lohan.
At this point, the Clippers could have Jesus Christ at point and I know that a) they will miss the playoffs and b) somebody will tear an acl.
Just like until she dies at the age of 32, Lohan will always be on the crack.
Sometimes these things are just that easy.
New Orleans Hornets-Amber Rose.
This is because nobody gives a damn about Amber Rose since Kanye left, just like nobody will give a damn about the Hornets when Chris Paul eventually leaves.
Washington Wizards-Willow Smith.
The most exciting development this fall has been the debuts of John Wall and Willow Smith.
I think they both stay around for a long time…
New York Knicks-Superhead.
Amare Stoudamire has garnered too much attention for being a power forward that doesn’t rebound, much like Superhead had way too much attention towards the end of her reign.
The knicks will still be bad, just like Superhead will still be a whore.
Memphis Grizzlies – Gangsta Boo. Any team that Zach ‘Big Folks’
Randolph is on will always be referred to as Gangsta Boo team.
Adjust your programs accordingly.
NORTH MEMPHIS!!!
Phoenix Suns-Tamia.
Our favorite Canadian singer is compared to our favorite Canadian point guard’s team.
Just like “A stranger in my house” Nash has strangers on his teams…and not good ones.
I think this is the year that the Suns win about 44 games and miss the playoffs and fade into obscurity just like Tamia.
Denver Nuggets-Ebony from the playas club…Do you remember when Ebony was in that room and Junior walked in with that crazy look? You felt like something bad was going to happen didn’t you? Well before this season tips off, I have the same feeling for George Karl like he was Ebony. This cannot end good at all…
Atlanta Hawks- Ciara.
Been there done that, same mediocre ending. I cared about typing this paragraph as much as Joe Johnson cares in the playoffs.
Portland Trailblazers- Ashanti.
Remember when Murder Inc was running the game and
Ashanti was all over BET and everything?
She was suppose to be the next female R&B goddess, but she never quite made it.
Everything start falling apart for her one by one, including her sideburns getting thicker.
That’s how I feel about the blazers.
They have been suppose to be the up and comers of the west for the past 3 years, but now OKC has surpassed them for that title.
They nice, but I think Greg Oden has submarined them, not only by injury, but the fact that the blazers could have drafted Durant…and that would’ve been ugly…
Milwaukee Bucks-Lil Mama…IM SORRY BUT THIS IS THE TEAM WHERE THEY DO NOT MEET THE HYPE.
JUST LIKE LIL MAMA, THEY JUMPED ON THE NBA STAGE AND DID NOT BELONG.
FOR CHRIST SAKE THEY GAVE DREW GOODEN 35 MILLION DOLLARS.
Chicago Bulls- Fantasia Barrino.
Like Fantasia, Derrick Rose is quite talented, yet quite illiterate.
Like Fantasia, the Bulls may not be the most talented team, but dammit if everything aligns perfectly for them, it could be something to watch.
Like Fantasia, I don’t know what hairstyle Joakim Noah will have from day to day.
Like Fantasia, I find them wildly attractive even though no one else doesn’t.
San Antonio Spurs- The Spurs are Diane Carroll of Claudine fame. Just like Ms. Claudine, they are old, yet classy. You know the spurs too old to win the chip, but secretly you aren’t neccesarily counting them out. You know Diane Carroll too old to bang, but secretly you would…oh you wouldn’t? That’s just me and S.A? oh well, moving on…
Utah Jazz- Jill Scott (with
S.A. permission)-Timeless, classy, artistic, consistent, beautiful…and will never win the whole thing.
The Jazz will always make the playoffs, Jill Scott will always make beautiful music, but ultimately, you will never call either the best.
Dallas mavericks- Thelma from good times.
Just like Thelma, they are in the ranks of the upper mediocre.
You wouldn’t wife Thelma, but you would definitely have a good time with her every once in awhile.
The Mavs will win 50 games and lose in the first round again.
Nothing to see here.
OKC thunder- Paula Patton.
Just like the new ‘it’ girl, the Thunder are the NBA’s new ‘it’ team.
They are the darlings of the league, the feel good story compared to what the
Miami 3LW pulled off this summer.
Will it turn into success? Durant is great, Westbrook is nice, but the rest of the roster….doesn’t do a lot for me.
Just like Paula Patton acting skills.
I definitely will take a wait and see approach before I crown they asses, but a good team nonetheless.
(BTW, I saw Patton on Law and Order SVU and lord….man he hand crafted that woman)
Orlando Magic-Robin Givens…YOU CAN NEVER TRUST A B@#$% WITH NO HEART…SEE VINCE CARTER.
ASK MIKE TYSON HOW THAT TURNED OUT FOR HIM.
Boston Celtics- Pam Greer.
The Celtics are old and are not ashamed to tell you.
They are like Pan Greer when she was in her 40s.
Just old, still delivering the goods, and not giving a damn. Pam in her 40s looked better than a lot of women, just like these old Celtics are better than most of the teams.
Simply amazing.
Miami Heat-Nikki Minaj…well, well, well…To the most overhyped team in the history o the NBA and the most overhyped female artist in years…I hope they reach their potential. I really want to see how both of these situations play out. I won’t lie, they both have the potential to be one of the greatest, but there are pitfalls to each. As we already seen, when your next best player after 3LW is Mike Miller…it’s a problem. When Mike Miller gets hurt (which isn’t a surprise) and you have to sign the ghost of Jerry Stackhouse as your insurance plan…that’s a problem. They are really going to let a lot of people down when they don’t win it this year…and Nikki will let a lot of hoodrats down if she doesn’t make it…
LA Lakers – Beyonce is the apt description.
Why you may ask?
Well everything Beyonce drops is damn near a hit, but there are plenty o black people who think Beyonce is not talented or overrated.
Even though the girl got eleventykajillion dollars.
The Lakers are repeat champions, but a lot of black people think the Lakers are not that talented or overrated (especially
Kobe).
The numbers and countless awards say otherwise, but people still search for reasons to dislike them, even reasons that don’t make any damn sense.
And they are always looking for the next new person to knock them off the throne.
And if you think im exaggerating about the Lakers/Beyonce thing, ask 10 black women how they feel about Beyonce and you will get 3 negative answers guaranteed.
