WHY DOES ANT P HAVE A DISTASTE FOR THE MIAMI HEAT?

On the mornig of the most anticipated "ex-wife" game in NBA history, I decided to finally write out my official stance against the Miami Heat and subsequently Lebron James due to recent jabs at me as being a "hater".  Many of you who read me know in general my opinion on all things Lebron and the Miami 3LWs, but only a few of you know the specific reasons why.  And before you go into the whole "You just hating on them because they are losing" please remember: I HAVE DISLIKED LEBRON JAMES SINCE HIS ROOKIE SEASON, THIS HATE I HAVE IS REAL.  I ALSO STATED THE HEAT WOULD HAVE PROBLEMS BEFORE THE SEASON STARTED...I HAVE "WITNESSES" HAHAHAHA...Without further ado, a few reasons why I have a constant dislike, in a chronological order...

1) LEBRON HAS BEEN A DOUCHBAG SINCE HIS INCEPTION INTO THE LEAGUE
The most talented prick to ever grace the NBA court.  I have always been a guy that has try to see things opposite of the popular point of view and when Lebron came into the league the popular point of view was "He is going to be one of the greatest".  Statistically, he has mostly held up his end of the bargain, his last two regular seasons some of the greatest numbers I seen on a stat sheet.  Unfortunately, they don't input regular season stats into an excel spreadsheet and determine winners in the playoffs.  You have to actually have some nuts and go out and win series...and besides that night in Detroit where he scored 28 straight points...he's done nothing to earn my respect...

2) THE WAY WADE, BOSH, AND LBJ ACTED IN FREE AGENCY WAS TRASHY AT BEST...
You would have thought they were all trying to coordinate where they were leaving from prom together the way they were acting.  Especially Wade, who i thought was one of the most classiest individuals in the league until this summer when he started the whole "The Bulls are not a loyal organization crap" (which is going to be hilarious when Pat Riley trades D Wade next season because he is the oldest out of the three).  I actually gave Lebron credit for handling his free agency with some class...but that was until he came out with "The Decision", the most poorly planned television appearance since Teeny was introduced to us on Fantasia reality show.  That shit was a live train wreck on national TV, that you could tell was not thought out all the way when they showed people burning Lebron jersey and he had the same look on a guy face when he breaks up with a girl that everybody knew was crazy but him.  Just ridiculous.  And Chris Bosh hurt his image the worst in free agency.  You wanna know why?  Every guy I know will roast Wade and LBJ, but won't go too far.  Almost every guy I know thinks Chris Bosh is homosexual or at least Bi sexual after this free agency.  This was not the general conclusion beforehand lol.

3) THIS TEAM WAS FLAWED FROM THE GET GO, BUT THE NATIONAL MEDIA REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS...
From the predictions of the East Champions to breaking the '96 Bulls record, I found it extremely irritating how the media conveniently forgot that we have never seen Wade or Lebron play off the ball in our lives against NBA competition (don't give me that olympic shit, the competition was like playing a bunch of role players every night, except for Spain, and they needed Kobe's heroics to beat Spain) and that the NBA game still consists of one basketball.  Nobody thought about how routinely Chris Bosh shrunk against the Celtics every time he played them.  Nobody thought that Ilgauskas, Eddie House, Juwan Howard, and Udonis Haslem would be 10th men at best on the Lakers or Celtics.  Nobody mentioned that Mike Miller was TERRIBLE his past three seasons overall.  But I was supposed to be excited over this team.  I'm more excited over a hand job from a fat girl.

4) AND FINALLY...THE AMOUNT OF EXCUSES GROWN MEN GIVE LEBRON IS SICKENING...
This has been the most startling thing of all...grown men make more excuses for LeBron than battered wives do for abusive husbands.  Its ridiculous!  How much time do the 3 of the top 20 players in the league need to gel before we realize this shit will not work as presently constructed?  When will you all finally admit that Lebron is so much of a jerk that it is detrimental to his game?  Its one thing to be a jerk like Kobe Bryant, but at least Kobe has sense enough to know when to check his ego at the door and win some rings!  Ive heard multiple black men in the community tell me, and I quote "Man, you can't play basketball after you find out your mother had sex with your teammate"....ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!? I've played basketball a few days after my mother died, after I broke up with a chick, and a host of other terrible things.  BLACK JESUS PLAYED IN THE FINALS WITH SWINE FLU.  SCOTTIE PIPPEN PLAYED GAME 6 OF THE FINALS WITH A HERNIATED DISK AND TOLD MJ "YOU SHOOT AND I'LL PLAY DEFENSE" AND COVERED HALF THE COURT BY HIS DAMN SELF.  REGGIE MILLER HIT HIS GAME WINNING THREE POINTER ON THE BULLS IN 1998 WITH A SEVERLEY SPRAINED ANKLE.  THE LIST CAN GO ON AND ON, BUT YOU WILL NOT TELL ME THAT LEBRON WAS EMOTIONALLY SCARRED SO HE COULDN'T PLAY.

I am now officially on the record with my Miami//Lebron hate...have a awesome day...GO CAVS LOL!

ANTP'S PAYDAY MAILBAG

I do a mailbag on facebook every once in a while and I decided to bring it over here.  I will try to bring my mailbag over to the blog for now on. Enjoy!

Here is my question.

What is the best way to tell your girl she's getting fat without starting an argument and prompting her to make some changes?

This is a dilemma that all men of all races face.  It’s a few things that you don’t mess with a woman about and one of those is her weight. Why? Because as much as woman say they want the truth, they don’t REALLY want the truth.  But we are not here to offer excuses, that’s what we don’t do here at the mailbag.  So here are some possible solutions to this issue:

“Baby, what’s this I hear about Oprah starting some weight loss campaign, I think that’s dumb.” – If you tell a woman that Oprah is doing something and you DON’T like it, women will move heaven and hell to prove to you the Oprah is right.

“Baby, I paid for you and three of your friends for a year membership and flirty girl” – This make losing weight fun for your lady, she and three of her buddies can burn calories playing make believe sluts.  And she may learn some new moves for you.  A win-win for everybody.

“Baby, they put mild sauce on hummus now”- In case you dating a hoodrat, this may be the only way to trick them to do something.  Hoodrats are particular stubborn to losing weight.  Either they stay skinny or they get thicker and thicker until they shop at the Ashley Stewart version of Rainbow.

These are all the suggestions I have at the time.  Good luck as she throws something at you at the mention of work out.

Need to know how many years are acceptable to be older that the person you're seeing without coming off looking like R. Kelly?

This is a big dilemma, especially in Chicago.  To me it’s all relative to age.  If I’m 24 dating a 21 year old, that’s no problem.  But if I’m 19 dating a 16 year old, I may get the side eye.  But in the end we are all hypocrites.  As my good friend S.A. Davis said “if you see me in the streets holding Raven Symone’s $400 million dollar hands, you betta STFU and keep on moving.” Real talk, NIGGAS IN CHICAGO WAS NOT UPSET AT R. KELLY FOR FREAKING THE YOUNG CHICK, THEY WERE MAD AT HIM FOR PEEING ON HER, AND THAT’S FACT CHIEF. In fact, if you wanna be real, look at yo grandaddy and yo grandma.  In the black culture yo grandady maybe 8 years or more older than yo grandma and they didn’t get married in their late 20s or 30s.  YALL NEED TO START ACTING LIKE R KELLY INVENTED THIS YOUNG GIRL LUST. IKE TURNER TOOK TINA OUT HER MOMMA HOUSE WITH HER MOMMA’S CONSENT. HER MOMMA WOULDA WENT, BUT IKE AINT WANT HER OLD ASS. OLDER PEOPLE KILL ME WHEN THEY ACT LIKE SMOKEY ROBINSON WAS BANGING OLDER CHICKS ON THE TOUR BUS. NO! SMOKEY ROBINSON BEAUTIFUL LIGHTSKIN SELF WAS BANGING TEENAGERS TOO. EVERYBODY RELAX AND GET OFF R KELLY BACKS.  YES I GET EMOTIONAL DEFENDING R.KELLY LOL.

What are your thoughts of 4Loko ?

I have never had 4loko, but any alcohol that gets banned has to be crack in the bottle.  Do you realize how hard it is to ban alcohol, especially when they still find it legal to sell colt 45?  In college, me and my friends intentionally brought a 40 ounce to see what the experience would be like.  I took a sip of that shit and immediately spit it out.  Colt 45 taste like herpes infested urine combined with the worst parts of the bible.  I thought I was surely going to die.  And that is LEGAL.  But the crazy part is, dealing with black folk, since it is now deemed illegal to sell, niggas wanna try it now.  IM SURE THIS IS HOW COCAINE GOT ITS START IDIOTS!

Whatever happened to 3piece and what’s the last Twista album you bought?

I always wondered about what happened to three piece, and recently got reports that they were going to beaty shops to peddle a new album entitled “The red line.” Anywho, as much as they fell off, you cannot deny that summer of 2001, they song had you doing all type of stuff to women in the club,  I remember college night at the 50 Yard Line (now known as the Lick to you young whippersnappers) and they performed in the middle of the party.  A person who shall remain nameless on my friends list gave me to this day the best dance I received in the club, strippers included.  Enough of that though.  The last twister album I brought was adrenalin rush.  I bootleg the good one when I was in college, but I don’t plan on buying anymore.  Twister songs all sound like they were produced in the back of Uncle Remus.  No thank you.

Please rank the following: Drose, CP3, Rondo, Deron Williams

Now this is a question.  This is my answer as of today at 1:05pm…

1)      CP3-People forgot how good Chris Paul is when healthy.  I mean, he is playing point guard like God intended it to be.

2)      Deron Williams- Not too far behind, bigger body, slightly better shooter…but points deducted because he is light skinned with a receding hairline he tries to hide.

3)      Derrick Rose- I’m sorry But I cannot in good conscious put him below rondo.  The reason:  You can start a team around Paul, Williams, and Rose.  You can’t start building your team around Rondo.  And I reserve the right for when Boozer gets back to rate Rose higher, because he scores better than any point guard right now, while averaging 10 assist.

4)      Rondo-Needless to say, I love Rondo’s game, he has an uncanny ability to put the ball in the exact spot his teammate needs it. And his rebounding is uncanny.

How do you feel about married people looking through each other’s cell phone?

That is tricky.  I always have a simple rule:  If you aren’t paying this bill, than you aren’t looking through my phone on the regular.  I have always lived by that creed.  It saves both parties time, headache, and a good shaking.  But at the same time, if my wife picks up my phone, so be it.  If you married I suggest you not cheat so this won’t be a problem at all lol.

What do you really think of the Q and A game we played on facebook this week?

I thought it was fun…for two days.  By day three, people were just being messy and they young people of facebook have no class at all with what to put up on what not to put up.  It was an opportunity to tell somebody you had a crush on them, even though they probably already knew.  It was an opportunity to tell someone why you stop talking to them, even though, again, you probably had been guessed the answer.  Overall, it was a fun read that helped me waste time during the work day.  To all the people that acted like they were too old or mature to play…Get over yourself.  Nobody could care less about your wanna be older lame ass answering questions.  We already knew you were a whore or a lame to begin with.

WHY BLACK PEOPLE DON'T VOTE AND MY SOLUTIONS FOR IT...

My good friend Elliott called me today and said "Ant P, what is all the commotion about with this election?  Why are people complaining about it when they havent tweeted about it until yesterday?"  I told him you know how are people are, we are quick to complain about anything.  Then I caught wind of the actual percentages of african americans that voted...4.7%.  That is sad, like really sad.  It got me to thinking, what are the reasons my people dont vote?  What could we do about it? Well...lets see i we ca figure it out....

1) THE ACTUAL VOTING PROCESS ITS OUTDATED AND TEDIOUS...
I woke up yesterday morning wondering how I was getting to the polling place.  See I still use my grandma address as my address because I dont trust my mail going to the east side of chicago (if you know me, you know I dont particular care for the type of people that leave east of cottage grove).  I ended up borrowing a co workers car and driving to vote during my lunch hour (my job gave us 2 hours to vote).  This was a rather inconvenient thing since I had a lot of work to do yesterday.  Why is this voting process so hard?  There are numerous things that are asinine that you can do easier than voting.  You can order whole bedroom sets, vote for dancing with the stars, change a flat tire, pick up a prostitute, or even order a 6 piece with mild sauce and a mystic from Harolds, and all these processes are easier than voting.  AND THEN DO YOU REALIZE THAT WE HAVE TO VOTE ON A WORK DAY? ITS ALREADY HARD GETTING TO WORK ON A REGULAR DAY!!

Antp's Solution:  Stop making election day the first tuesday of November.  Shit gets done on the weekend, and so should voting.  This should be the most obvious solution.  Aint nothing easy when I gotta wake up to 'beat the crowds' and that includes buying Jordans and voting.

2) WHY DO I HAVE TO VOTE AT ONE PARTICULAR POLLING PLACE ON ELECTION DAY?
We put a man on the moon, we made snooki famous in america, why the hell can't I vote where I want to on election day?  Yes I know that if you vote early you can vote at any selected place, but we all know one thing...BLACK PEOPLE AINT DOING NOTHING EARLY...we just not.  So I am sure technology has advanced far enough that you can make it possible to vote anywhere in the city.  This shit is so outdated that people were calling me yesterday if they could vote anywhere and when I told them no, they just looked confuse.  I can vote right after work if you let me use the polling place by it jerks...

Antp's solution:  Make polling places on election day open to where anybody can vote anywhere in a city...I think thats simple as hell to do!

3) PUT THE POLLING PLACES AT VENUES THAT BLACK FOLK WILL BE AT?
Niggas aint trying to go to church on sundays, let alone on a cold tuesday.  Early voting at the police station? Not when I got warrants chief. 

Antps solution: Lets get some polls at places you know niggas be at like Aldi's, Ultra, East of the Ryan, the 50 Yard line, hell even my house.  Any nigga who throw live house parties should request his house to be a polling place.  You know its people on the North Side of Chicago who houses are polling places?  This would work for us, I would even have Ella make spinach dip if you niggas came to vote at my crib...

4) WE JUST STARTED BEING AWARE OF THE ISSUES SINCE 2007...
...When Obama started his campaign.  I know alot of my friends have been aware way longer than that, but the average black person couldnt tell you who held all the office in the state before 2008.  Thats when people had election night viewing parties and all type of cute stuff.  And since we got Obama in, we all thought we did our job and that we didnt have to pay attention anymore.  Admit, some of yall aint even know it was an election this year until two weeks ago.  If we don't educate ourselves nobody will.  With all this technology around us, we still dont pay attention to the most important thing...THE NEWS....I watch the news at least three times a week just to see what type of shit they trying to pull off.
Antp's solution: Just read and watch, you'll be surprised how many bs laws they are trying to pass on our ass!

5) WE JUST DON'T CARE
Even though Im writing this blog, in the end...we as a whole still wont get out to vote unless they take something critical away from us,  like our right to be a hoodrat or sag pants.  We too comfortable.  There is no rallying cause for us to be unified behind, the black leaders in our country now our either a) untrustworthy or b) not compelling enough.  And the fact that everybody thought when Obama got it in that magical things were going to happen (like lazy niggas magically getting jobs) that they got discouraged when they dont see immediate results.  This is just the state we are in, sad but true, and to get out of that....I don't have an answer for as of yet...

TIL ANOTHER DAY...HOLLA AT YA BOY!

NBA preview 2010-2011

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME BLOGGING.  I LOVE RELATIONSHIP TALK AND I LOVE SPORTS, SO WHAT BETTER WAY TO PREVIEW THE NBA SEASON THEN BY COMPARING EACH TEAM TO DIFFERENT WOMEN...HERE GOES NOTHING...

Toronto Raptors- Will be referred to as Precious for the season.  I don’t see any conceivable way they will win over 25 games this year.  Their defense will be even worse without Bosh, who wasn’t good at defense to begin with.  There starting small  forward name is Sonny Weems.  That’s all you really need to know about the 2010-2011 Raptors.

Cleveland cavaliers- The cavaliers will be the girl in high school who was in your grade who always acted older than everybody.  She hung out with the older cheerleaders and the upperclassmen boyfriend that everybody wanted (LeBron).  When you became a senior and all the upperclassmen were gone, including the upperclassmen boyfriend, this girl became lost.  She instantly tried to latch on to people in the class she didn’t kick it with in 3 years, looked lame doing it, and ends up sleeping with guys in the class who even the fat girls wouldn’t go for.  This girl is the butt of all the jokes senior year because she has been exposed as a fraud.  These are the Cavs.  Without Lebron, there will be no more handshakes, dancing like coons, showing up the opposition and definitely no more primetime games.  Mo Williams sounds like a desperate ex girlfriend on twitter almost to the point of suicidal.  I love every minute of it.

Detroit Pistons- The pistons will be looked at as Gabrielle Union.  Both had a nice 5 year run, but now they have taken a step back and offer you nothing.  Gabrielle can’t act and the Pistons couldn’t defend anyone at gun point.

Sacramento Kings-Regan Gomez.  As fine as Regan looks, you barely remember her from the Parenthood.  As talented as the Kings may be, sadly, you wont give a damn either.

New Jersey Nets-Venus Williams.  They will always be the ugly sister to the Knicks.  I don’t care how much makeup Venus puts on, she would never get a rise outta my pants.  Its unfortunate, but its true.

Minnesota Timberwolves-Tonya Harding.  Trailer trash of the league.  When your GM tries to compare Darko to Chris Webber, your franchise is in trouble.

Golden State Warriors-Kat Stacks.  Both are young, fast, hot and gong nowhere until fundamental changes are made.

Indiana Pacers- Taylor Swift.  If Larry Bird could throw out a decent all white basketball team he would.  Negroes on his roster have not been to kind to him in the past decade.  The Pacers are probably at the bottom of irrelevant rankings in the league, and it would probably take a Kanye-esque act to put them on the map, much like Taylor Swift.

Philadelphia 76ers- Xscape.  Both are flabby, sick, and going nowhere.  The slower version of the warriors.

Charlotte Bobcats-Remy Martin.  Wild, hood, low IQ, and jail time are apt descriptions for Remy Ma and the Bobcats.  Stephen Jackson once dranks a keg of crown, no chaser before.

Los Angeles Clippers- Lindsy Lohan.  At this point, the Clippers could have Jesus Christ at point and I know that a) they will miss the playoffs and b) somebody will tear an acl.  Just like until she dies at the age of 32, Lohan will always be on the crack.  Sometimes these things are just that easy.

New Orleans Hornets-Amber Rose.  This is because nobody gives a damn about Amber Rose since Kanye left, just like nobody will give a damn about the Hornets when Chris Paul eventually leaves.

Washington Wizards-Willow Smith.  The most exciting development this fall has been the debuts of John Wall and Willow Smith.  I think they both stay around for a long time…

New York Knicks-Superhead.  Amare Stoudamire has garnered too much attention for being a power forward that doesn’t rebound, much like Superhead had way too much attention towards the end of her reign.  The knicks will still be bad, just like Superhead will still be a whore.

Memphis Grizzlies – Gangsta Boo. Any team that Zach ‘Big Folks’ Randolph is on will always be referred to as Gangsta Boo team.  Adjust your programs accordingly.  NORTH MEMPHIS!!!

Phoenix Suns-Tamia.  Our favorite Canadian singer is compared to our favorite Canadian point guard’s team.  Just like “A stranger in my house” Nash has strangers on his teams…and not good ones.  I think this is the year that the Suns win about 44 games and miss the playoffs and fade into obscurity just like Tamia. 

Denver Nuggets-Ebony from the playas club…Do you remember when Ebony was in that room and Junior walked in with that crazy look?  You felt like something bad was going to happen didn’t you? Well before this season tips off, I have the same feeling for George Karl like he was Ebony.  This cannot end good at all…

Atlanta Hawks- Ciara.  Been there done that, same mediocre ending. I cared about typing this paragraph as much as Joe Johnson cares in the playoffs.

Portland Trailblazers- Ashanti.  Remember when Murder Inc was running the game and Ashanti was all over BET and everything?  She was suppose to be the next female R&B goddess, but she never quite made it.  Everything start falling apart for her one by one, including her sideburns getting thicker.  That’s how I feel about the blazers.  They have been suppose to be the up and comers of the west for the past 3 years, but now OKC has surpassed them for that title.  They nice, but I think Greg Oden has submarined them, not only by injury, but the fact that the blazers could have drafted Durant…and that would’ve been ugly…

Milwaukee Bucks-Lil Mama…IM SORRY BUT THIS IS THE TEAM WHERE THEY DO NOT MEET THE HYPE.  JUST LIKE LIL MAMA, THEY JUMPED ON THE NBA STAGE AND DID NOT BELONG.  FOR CHRIST SAKE THEY GAVE DREW GOODEN 35 MILLION DOLLARS.

Chicago Bulls- Fantasia Barrino.  Like Fantasia, Derrick Rose is quite talented, yet quite illiterate.  Like Fantasia, the Bulls may not be the most talented team, but dammit if everything aligns perfectly for them, it could be something to watch.  Like Fantasia, I don’t know what hairstyle Joakim Noah will have from day to day.  Like Fantasia, I find them wildly attractive even though no one else doesn’t.

San Antonio Spurs- The Spurs are Diane Carroll of Claudine fame.  Just like Ms. Claudine, they are old, yet classy.  You know the spurs too old to win the chip, but secretly you aren’t neccesarily counting them out.  You know Diane Carroll too old to bang, but secretly you would…oh you wouldn’t? That’s just me and S.A? oh well, moving on…

Utah Jazz- Jill Scott (with S.A. permission)-Timeless, classy, artistic, consistent, beautiful…and will never win the whole thing.  The Jazz will always make the playoffs, Jill Scott will always make beautiful music, but ultimately, you will never call either the best.

Dallas mavericks- Thelma from good times.  Just like Thelma, they are in the ranks of the upper mediocre.  You wouldn’t wife Thelma, but you would definitely have a good time with her every once in awhile.  The Mavs will win 50 games and lose in the first round again.  Nothing to see here.

OKC thunder- Paula Patton.  Just like the new ‘it’ girl, the Thunder are the NBA’s new ‘it’ team.  They are the darlings of the league, the feel good story compared to what the Miami 3LW pulled off this summer.  Will it turn into success? Durant is great, Westbrook is nice, but the rest of the roster….doesn’t do a lot for me.  Just like Paula Patton acting skills.  I definitely will take a wait and see approach before I crown they asses, but a good team nonetheless.  (BTW, I saw Patton on Law and Order SVU and lord….man he hand crafted that woman)

Orlando Magic-Robin Givens…YOU CAN NEVER TRUST A B@#$% WITH NO HEART…SEE VINCE CARTER.  ASK MIKE TYSON HOW THAT TURNED OUT FOR HIM.

Boston Celtics- Pam Greer.  The Celtics are old and are not ashamed to tell you.  They are like Pan Greer when she was in her 40s.  Just old, still delivering the goods, and not giving a damn. Pam in her 40s looked better than a lot of women, just like these old Celtics are better than most of the teams.  Simply amazing.

Miami Heat-Nikki Minaj…well, well, well…To the most overhyped team in the history o the NBA and the most overhyped female artist in years…I hope they reach their potential.  I really want to see how both of these situations play out.  I won’t lie, they both have the potential to be one of the greatest, but there are pitfalls to each.  As we already seen, when your next best player after 3LW is Mike Miller…it’s a problem.  When Mike Miller gets hurt (which isn’t a surprise) and you have to sign the ghost of Jerry Stackhouse as your insurance plan…that’s a problem.  They are really going to let a lot of people down when they don’t win it this year…and Nikki will let a lot of hoodrats down if she doesn’t make it…

LA Lakers – Beyonce is the apt description.  Why you may ask?  Well everything Beyonce drops is damn near a hit, but there are plenty o black people who think Beyonce is not talented or overrated.  Even though the girl got eleventykajillion dollars.  The Lakers are repeat champions, but a lot of black people think the Lakers are not that talented or overrated (especially Kobe).  The numbers and countless awards say otherwise, but people still search for reasons to dislike them, even reasons that don’t make any damn sense.  And they are always looking for the next new person to knock them off the throne.  And if you think im exaggerating about the Lakers/Beyonce thing, ask 10 black women how they feel about Beyonce and you will get 3 negative answers guaranteed.